fusionatl

Ok to set the background, I am new to courting in fact I have never heard of such thing until I moved here and so I have a question. I have heard odd things like the relationship is completely the male’s responsibility and that the man has to chase the women and that the burden of the relationship is placed solely on the males shoulders or in least that is the way it has been presented to me. That being beside the point to my question I have seen the females at fusion act exactly the same toward males. So how do I know that a woman I like at has the same feelings for me? I have been burned a couple of times because I can’t tell if A person I think could be a possible partner thinks of me the same way or is just being the very “good friend “

Jeff

Be led my brother... most simple and the most complex thing that I can say to you.
Proverbs 3:6 Amplified
6In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

Father should I ask her , Father do you want me to just chill out, Lord can I tell her how I feel... You get the picture if you leave Him out you essentially tie your shoe strings together.

I think that before courting even begins, you have to "interview". Once a friendship has been established and you're interested in a young lady, the interview process must begin. What happens in an interview? QUESTIONS! Lots of questions. Me personally, I prefer that a man approach me and say something like, "I see you all the time at church (or where ever/whatever), do you want to get lunch or coffee sometime? I'd really like to get to know you. You seem cool"....something along those lines. Yes we do want men to take initiative & lead and chase but we as women we want to be caught! I think if you ask enough questions to see where a woman is spiritually and emotionally, it won't be hard to determine is she's "into you". Especially before too much time and/or emotion has been invested. A woman who is lead by the Spirit and knows who she is in Christ is looking for Godly character in a man and basic compatiblity. Everything else, we can work with!

First off Jeff!!!!

I love the name of the post! And second... these are all questions that we all ask at one time or another. The good part about that is most of them have been answered. I would check out the Hitched Series.... not the post here on the forum... but the CD series in the bookstore and on the Fusion website. It was Pastor Johnson and Pastor Summer talking openly and candidly about courtship, guys and girls and what a successful relationship looks like.

Check it out... let me know what you think.

Hey Jeff, definitely diggin' the question. The Hitched series is a good place to start...the link to download it online is http://www.fusionatl.org/p/12081/Default.aspx

Courting does primarily fall on the guy's shoulders but it's not like the girl is a silent partner in the whole thing. She has to have self-control the same as you, guard her heart the same as you, share her life the same as you, etc. She doesn't just sit back and say, "Okay leader, take me where you want to go." Guys don't want that pressure & girls don't want to be pushovers.

We ARE called to be the leader in the relationship. So in every area we are to lead: physically, spiritually, emotionally...that's our calling as men of God.

As far as knowing if that person is "into you" too. The "vibe" is usually the tip off...that intangible feeling compiled from looks/conversations/the butterflys. That's usually first base for launching a potential relationship (no pun intended!).

Like "thatgoodthing" said, the interview is another good place for this to go down...but I don't know about 1-on-1. That is recipe for ackwardness (both in the asking & in the conversation)...what if it tanks & you run out of stuff to talk about after 5 minutes? That's why the whole group thing works best. This is safest for both sides, especially if both of you are nervous & don't do good 1-on1. If a group of people are going out after Fusion try to sit by her/him. If there's an event, give her/him a call to see if they are coming. Then try to interact there.

I think one of the places some of us mess up is we move too fast. We express our feelings after 2 weeks of knowing someone & that hasn't given the other person enough time to know us & is kind of jumping the gun.

I think we need some feedback from more ladies on this one...

But again, check out the messages online & see if you get anything from those...it's a lot easier than reading the 10-15 books that I looked through to put it together!

I am definitely no expert on courtship myself, but sinse Johnson asked for input from the ladies, I decided to post.

I would agree with some of the earlier comments that during those initial interactions with a person of interest you know, you know when someone likes you. Like Johnson said there are those (non-flirtatious) vibes that are exchanged that give clues that someone is interested. Personally, I prefer to get to know someone in a group setting because I have had bad/awkward experiences with hanging out 1-on-1 with a guy who seemed "nice" and approached me in church with the intent of getting to know me better. I agree with Johnson that for better guarding of each person's heart and to avoid putting pressure on any one person, group settings are best, plus they are more fun.

Now this is just me, but personally if a guy approaches me wanting to go on a date alone after only knowing him for a couple weeks, then it immediately raises red flags... My first thought is, ok, why is he trying to get me alone so soon? Can't we continue to know each other around other people first?

My thought is that the 1-on-1 stuff needs to happen in the context of courtship (but not being 1-on-1 ALL the time) where there are set boundaries stated and accountability identified and many caring and watchful eyes around. In courtship it is acceptable to develop the "us" and the "couple" identity because there are stated intentions and a purpose with an end in sight.

As far as guys being the initiators, call me old-fashioned, but I completely agree. Men were created to be initiators and pursuers and women are created to be receptors and responders. It just...works better this way.

As Johnson said, this does not mean that guys abuse control or that girls become doormats, but the Lord has designed men and women this way to establish His divine order. He wants women to rest and trust in Him to tell the men what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I'm not saying that trusting the Lord is easy, because at times it is not, however, a man that is in tune to the Holy Spirit's leading will know what needs to be done and will do it at the appropriate time.

But that's just me... any other thoughts?

Hadassah, I could not have said it better. I toltally agree wih you, I myslef as a woman am also learning COURTSHIP, so really did not want to say much.

I agree.... that fine line between... friend and more then friend can be hard to see. Women can do more to gaurd their hearts but men need to make sure there not sending the wrong signals as well.

When Dede and I were friends, in the pre-court stage of our relationship, I thought I was begin very clear but she stopped us one day and said; "Ok. So what are we doing? Do you like me or not!?" I was completely thrown off... not because she was asking something I wasn't ready to answer but because I thought I was sending very clear - easy to understand signs...Yes, I like you... that’s why we're here... I'm not here with anyone else... Hello!" But she needed to know and know for sure. (Hmmm… go figure)

The problem was I was a dull man like most of us and what we see as signals are more like mouse squeaks and what we do as random meaningless nothings are saying something completely different to the women in our lives. I thought she knew where we were going but in reality she had no idea and it was eating away at her.

Here’s a story. It may seem off topic and unrelated but it will make sense at the end. I was out at a restaurant after Fusion one night with some other Fusionites. I was very new to Fusion and really needed to start over from who I was without Christ. Let’s call this place Chily’s. Well, we all had a good time and it was time for the bill. Well, the young lady next to me, whom we shall call Betty, needed 5 cents. (Not kidding… she needed a nickel. Her bill was $20.05 and all she had was a $20. Well, she sat there digging through her purse looking for a coin of some sorts when I said; “Hey sis, I have a dime you can have. Just use this.” I kid you not… she looked at me with the most despicable grimace and said something to the effect of; “Huh, no thank you. I don’t need your dime. I don’t need you to pay for my meal.” I was stunned. What just happened! You’re the one who needs 5 cents. I’m just trying to stop you from having to wash dishes for a stinking nickel. Whatever. Well, then she turns around and starts telling the girls behind her that I tried to hit on her and wanted to pay for her meal. I was both disgusted and appalled. First of all… you ain’t the one and second… OMG! I just got here and they’re are already rumors. Come on! I made a decision right then that I was not going to be known as “one of those guys.” So, I made sure I treated everyone… everyone that same. Then I meet Dede…

And it was hard because I wanted to treat Dede special but I couldn't... so I up'ed my whole game. I treated every with the same special treatment that I wanted to shower on Dede. I opened the door at Fusion for all the ladies (Men you're on your own) I talked to a lot of people in the cafe and gave them all my full attention. (Not talking to them while keeping track of Dede with my eyes... How Rude!) And I opened the car door for any woman of God riding with me anywhere. As a matter of fact Dede and I have friends to this day that know not to touch the car door... (that's my job and no one will take it from me.)

So, I’m not sure from the women’s perspective but I wanted to treat everyone the way I wanted to treat Dede.. not only so I could do those things for Dede but because I didn’t want to be the guy who women think is “one of those guys.” So I don’t really know what's going on in your situation but that's what worked for me. Treating everyone with the love of God and being as honest as I could with the one I truly wanted to treat special.

And I Tasha can Co-sign to that Avery I was there the whole time and it is true I love you brother for setting the example and I really appreciate all that I saw in both of my true dearest friends. Avery won Dede over with pound cake and strawberries every weekend ya''ll lol and I Tasha helped!

Come on pound cake and strawberries. Tasha was right there in the mix from when we were just friends all the way to when we walked down the aisle and now as we're expecting our first child.

Oh yes.... I'll throw this in there - there was lots, and lots, and lots of prayer before any feelings were revealed. God told me Avery loved me before Avery even told me. And you know what - he told my leader and many of my closest friends the same exact thing He was telling me when I'd seek His face. Avery was on the other end of the spectrum praying also, getting his leader to pray about this, as well as many of his closest friends. Everyone got the same confirmations - and that was a definite "okay God - you might be on to something" moment for us.

We are both relationship destroyers of like the 14th level - so the fact that God said yes before we did really took a great deal of pressure off of us - but God moved us together... we didn't do it ourselves. And our friends were right there to snap us back into reality and have our backs.

Okay... done

"Tightness"!!
I really dig how Tasha, your leaders, and your friends in the Faith were all involved. Especially how A was like"hey bro this is how I'm feeling could you pray about this and see what the Lord is giving you"

I like it alot because you can see me a whole lot better than I can see me. And if you love me like the word says you're supposed to then I really don't have anything to worry about.